Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

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The Chosen Phew

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap