Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I hope they boil the right one.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
☠️☠️☠️
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I went from rags to one rag.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first