Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

saving face 👀

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

Chicken bread

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.