Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.