Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.