Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.