Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married