Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

Eat…

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*