Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Her: Do I look fat?

Him: Do I look stupid?…

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…