Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

Alexa, make me look good naked.

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word