“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO