“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.