Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
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HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
This guy just won Christmas without breaking a sweat.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*