“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you


4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?


Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.


I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people


I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.


A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.


My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.


Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.