@gingerfaced
@ieatanddrink
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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@ieatanddrink
@PleaseBeGneiss
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
@vissersixxx
@BadaBinge
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
@Jakexox
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
@LOVELADONNIS
Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?
@CauseWereDads
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
@totaIdadmoves
This guy just won Christmas without breaking a sweat.
@mkpaulsen
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
@ThatLibrary
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*