“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open


HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done


My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.


“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.


Woman on the plane just asked her crying son “are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby” I’m like damn are these the only options?


“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!


Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.


Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*