@gingerfaced
@anerdonfire2 We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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@anerdonfire2 
@schumoo Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
@leshnevsky Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
@zakagan I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
@calamitydaisy I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.
@AbbyHasIssues A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
@tougherthanyoux *Licks the fire in your soul
*Burns tongue
@anomicman My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
@primawesome Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.