Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Rooting for the overdog

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.