” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous