” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.