Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Natty or not?

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

What the hell happened in there??

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog