Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
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12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“HELP WITH CAT”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”