Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you