Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
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[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.