Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.