“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart