let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
i really liked this one
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.