let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.