Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Skip intro

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!