Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
You Might Also Like
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.