Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
How to woo a woman
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
The pen is writier than the sword.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead