Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?