Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

saw this in a dream

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.