Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.