Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
I’m having an out of money experience.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over