Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
When I face a minor setback
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Happy Halloween 🎃
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish