Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
tfw you realize …
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.