Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
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Schrödinger’s cookie
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly