Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
What the hell happened here.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”