Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes