“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Can’t stop laughing
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
This made me chuckle.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend