Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

✌🏽

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out