Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.