Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office