Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

The Friday File.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.