Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

No regrets in 2018

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

This is not me but this is me

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.