Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Batman v Dracula
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread