Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

5 ways to appear taller

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet