Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
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Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder