Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You Might Also Like
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Confused owl: What?!
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you