Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.