Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

When does CPR become necrophilia?

CRYING