“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Effort made
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
lost dog
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”