“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*