“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!