Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
do what now??
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go