Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
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Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….