Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Simple
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!