Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
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If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
out-housing market appears to be strong
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
*orders delivery*
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.