“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*
“Where you going?”
I have a big butt and I can not lie.
Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?
Yoga pants explained.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“HELP!” Joe pants.
“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.
“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.