Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.

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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*


2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.


Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.


cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me


911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*


Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes


Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.


Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?


Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.