@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.

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@Michael1979

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

@ItMightBeJim

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

@IvoryGazelle

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

@JustaFunEscape

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

@curlymalloy

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

@leathershirts

the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music