@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.

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@UncleDuke1969

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@Douchekevin

Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?

Yoga pants explained.

@GroovyTasia

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

@junejuly12

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

@Reverend_Scott

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

@b0dymassage

“HELP!” Joe pants.

“WHAT IS IT JOE?” I belt.

“I THINK SOMEBODY SWITCHED OUR ARTICULATORY VERBS WITH CLOTHING WORDS.” He cardigans.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.