ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
You Might Also Like
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I told my vodka about you.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made