Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Every time my phone rings
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that鈥檚 right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they鈥檙e siblings.
Me in the future: Son, you鈥檙e going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I鈥檓 going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
mom: you鈥檙e grounded for today
me: i can鈥檛 wait until i鈥檓 an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Lionel Ritchie being British :
馃幍 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 馃幍
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Friend: Man, it鈥檚 hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don鈥檛 have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
8, peering closely at me: what鈥檚 that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I鈥檓 your girl in the apocalypse till there鈥檚 something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: I鈥檒l have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven鈥檛 eaten it yet
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.