Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Coffee for people with no kids

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.