Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
#Caturday
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.