Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting