Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
multitasking lunch
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month