“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
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I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.