Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

When you let grandma cat sit

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner