Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this