Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

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Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

*sales call

Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..

Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Inside you there are two wolves

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”