Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
My last name is Zilla.
This is my brand.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.