“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Breaking news:
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?