“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

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H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in


Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?


I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done


Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth


This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*


Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.


What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?


ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.


It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???


IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.