“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.