“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.