Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.