Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

I have half a mind to…

Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

sometimes we need to be reminded