“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out