Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.