Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The honesty is refreshing
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?