Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Erm I’m gonna say no

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

gm

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.