let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.