“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
You Might Also Like
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
*cough*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.