Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
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Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Happy thanksgiving
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO