Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
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teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.