Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
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No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.