Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

I didn’t come here to be called names

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause