“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.