Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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why is this so accurate
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
ME: tell me what you like
HER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.