@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

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@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share

@MelvinofYork

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

@sammyrhodes

“If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don’t get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.”

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

@fridaycandy

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

@FeelingEuphoric

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

@TheSharona06

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.